Thursday, October 8, 2009

Rape Fantasies: Their place in one's sexuality

I often have rape fantasies about the men I like | Post Secret Archive

I often have rape fantasies about the men I like.
I think it’s because I want someone I secretly care for to want me
More than he can stand.
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Post Secret has evocative images that  can bring forth strong emotions in people as witnessed by some of the comments attached to this post.

I know that people often struggle with the concept of how their fantasies relate to themselves especially if those fantasies stretch beyond the artificial bounds of what that person considers "normal" sexual fantasization. It is a complicate and tricky area of self expression and actualization and some fantasies, like rape fantasy in particular, are fraught with conflicting emotions because of the nature of rape.

The operant word here is rape fantasy.What most people that do not fantasies about this realize that most people that fantasies about this do it in the context of consent. The rape fantasy if it is played out in one person's mind in isolation of others or between two people can be and is consensual. Please be clear: I do not in anyway condone or encourage the idea of true rape fantasy realization. I do, however, encourage people that have these ideas to explore the nature of the ideas fully and if they wish to keep them close and personal to do so. If they want to actually experience such a fantasy to do so with more than appropriate caution.

See... A tricky business.

In my case rape fantasization started in my mid-teens. In all honesty this idea was born out of frustration at not being very popular with the girls I was interested in and in the context of the apparent sexual conquests my friends may have been experiencing part (and only part) of my fantasy repertoire involved fantasies involving over powering women to be able to have sex. These fantasies would be in contrast to the romantic themed fantasies I would have as well. But knowing rape is more than wrong I felt a guilt to even having them.

Ironically it was my first girlfriend that introduced me to the realization of an actual fantasy role play involving rape. Please note I use the words role play here and I do so quite deliberately. The people involved consensually are involved together in the fantasy. They are, for want of a better word, actors. They shed the shell of conventional sexual ethics (not morality) and play a role for each other.

For Each Other. Not just for one of them. Obviously in this dynamic one person may be more inclined to want it than the other partner but we all do things we may not like for our partners all the time.

S approached me about a month after we both made love for the first time about this idea when we were making love. I was holding down her wrists and she started to struggle a bit and when I applied more force (and I was pretty strong being a football player) I realized I might be hurting her and also the physical containment of her wrists might be scaring her. I stopped making love to her and she assured me it was OK. Her reassurance brought for a conversation later about what had happened and it was during this conversation she shared with me her desires.

In this case it was ideal. I had fantasied about "raping" someone and my girlfriend had fantasied about being "raped" by someone.

But as with all things new the idea of gradual experimentation and the importance of communication comes into play. I have always counted myself blessed with having the relationship I had with S. She and I both had great communication regarding our sexual desires and the willingness to listen, talk, and negotiate our mutual fantasy realizations. Often our partners have several aspects of their sexual fantasization that they feel should be repressed and even hidden from the one they are involved in or love. This is a sad state of affairs especially if both partners are into the same types of fantasy. There's that word again: communication.

In exploring this fantasy with each other S and I did not push for it to happen. Gradually over the next couple of months we turned up the realization of this fantasy up a notch. It gave us a chance to play and get use to playing roles outside ourselves and become comfortable with this. I won't go into the mechanics of this in my case because it may be different for other partners and in no way would I have the temerity to think that my experience is a template for others.

I will however make this note of caution...

Fantasy realization is about consent and proper foreknowledge. I do not care how mild or wild your fantasy is but if you attempt to realize it without your partner's knowing consent (and TACIT consent does not cut it here) you are committing a rape. A rape of the mind and of the body. You are a user and the most despicable type of sexual predator.

So, if your partner is not into it...keep it a mental fantasy. Or, is it is THAT important to you move on.

1 comment:

  1. What a terrific post, Eric. You are such an excellent writer and I can't imagine you having chosen a more complicated or fraught-with-peril topic, yet you handled it with grace while also managing to go quite deep.


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