Thursday, October 29, 2009



To give my feelings for you
Words like Passion, Trust, Love
Truly does my feelings injustice

The words have not been discovered

And never will be

A voyage of discovery
Two entities,
Two pasts,
Two presents,
Two futures

Like Magellan or Curie
The unknown
Fear and Joy of Discovery
Stronger for the passage of experiences
Saddened by loss or the chance of loss

A point of definition
Yet to be uncovered

Where will this lead
How will it end
Will it end
Will this be worth it?

Shielding the light from sight
Is there that much difference
I don't want to hurt you
I love you

Doing what is necessary
My life with or without
Shadows of deeper emotions
Creeping towards me
Ill defined

Must I wait
Will I wait

One path trodden upon by many
With few deep tangible footprints

Which one will I take?

I found this poem a day ago while getting my house ready to sell. Going through my rather cluttered office I have several file boxes with some old (read grade school) school assignments and other mementos from the pasts. I happened on this poem for Ginny.

She was a lover of mine some time ago and was 13 years my senior. Our romance was short lived but deeply passionate. We spent a lot of time together over 2 years. Boating, skiing, sailing, day tripping, antiquing, socializing, loving and living. I was in love with her but she she was not with me. I never declared my love for her - the only time in my life I was in love with someone and did not declare it.

This was the one unspoken word between us. I felt though we never talked about it that I was a type of therapy for her. I was that man that validated her emotions, sexuality, and femininity after a bad relationship she had before we got together. I was attentive, gallant, romantic, interested and aroused by her. I was consistent in my passion for her. Not just her body but her soul and she needed that.

What she did not need was me permanently.

She only spoke of it once. The last night we spent together. It was the only time we slept together but apart. She said the words just as I was drifting off, "You're going to want children someday, Eric." She was 41 and did not want children. I was 28 and had not thought about it. In our context I knew that children would never be but at my age the possibility of anything was the only thing in my mind. When I turned 41 I thought about her words and I understood.

I have children now. Ginny was right. Not completely right. I would have forsaken children for her. Funny to love someone so much and be willing to give up something as sacred as children but never say "I love you."

I wrote this poem shortly after we separated and never did give it to her. But I kept the poem in my files for 17 years. I cannot remember the last time I looked at it and read it though I know I have acknowledged the existence of the poem in my mind I have not read it until tonight as I was transcribing it for this entry. What a strange feeling.

In many ways it was a relationship of convenience and though she kept me emotionally far enough away not to allow me the obligation of telling her I loved her while at the same time never declaring that to me either, I think we both knew this in our sub-conscious.

I hold my memory of her dear to me and the one picture of us together I will keep forever.

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