Sunday, November 22, 2009

Meandering About Inside My Mind

I have been reading some blogs on my blog list lately and been fascinated with the frankness of them. In some ways, though I have blogged about my experiences here, sharing my experiences and insights is a little intimidating because though I am only 47 I did grow up in a family where discussions about sex and sexuality did not occur. My acculturation to being more open and honest about my sexuality and my needs grew out of being married to S and then subsequent events after my 2nd marriage.

One of these singular moments I want to share. For me and I hope for others they have the chance, if not the honour, to interact with someone like I did in the following situation.

My second marriage imploded on me and I was in want, no need, of physical sexual companionship. I was faithful to my 2nd partner but our sex life had dried up to the point that some of my memories of what happened during the latter phases of my marriage still rend wounds open in my psyche. Oh, I am definitely functional as a human bean but writing this brings back one memory that crystallizes the pain and loneliness I experienced during the last 4 years of that marriage.

The last time I made love to my wife was on my birthday in 1998. We had organized a night alone without the kids and had reserved a nice table at a higher end restaurant to enjoy a "romantic" meal together. The conversation and motions of that segment of the evening were normal enough but when it came time to slip into bed and make love things got strange. My partner was definitely detached mentally from me and as I began to make love to her she began to cry. I had no idea why this was happening until much later but she was experiencing guilt because she did not love me anymore. It was very upsetting and she was never honest with me as to the reasons this happened. After that we never had sexual relations again.

Snap forward to 2001 and my marriage had ended. I had continued to be faithful to my marriage though some limited situations did arise that would have tempted Job. When we parted my need to be faithful disappeared especially given the circumstances of her betrayal towards me. I did the internet thingy and on Lavalive where I have been a member for almost too long now (lol) I began searching for a dominant woman. My conception of my needs at that time were predicated on an interest in BDSM and D/s and my self confidence sexually was at a place where I thought I would be a good submissive. It was almost as if I needed to be punished for the failure of my marriage.

As luck would have it I began a short 3 month long distance relationship with a Domme in Montreal. We emailed and chatted for sometime before we talked on the phone. She was courteous, respectful, and empathic towards me. In male terms - a gentlemen. Over time she tasked me with online research and would send me information to read and respond to her and eventually I grew to enjoy her attention and the intellectual challenges she offered. These challenges did not only reside in the world of D/s but spanned other subjects and her intellect and approach towards me only solidified my interest in her.

Eventually we talked of meeting and as we began the process of organizing this I received an email from her. It was long. On the printed page it spanned 4 pages and was a thorough analysis of what she had divined from our chats, emails, and conversations and her conclusion stunned me.

She proposed I was DOMINANT instead of submissive.

Her conclusion took be aback. I did not know at first how to respond and she had specified not replying or contacting her for 48 hours to give me time to think about her words. I reread her analysis over and over again and slept on it and realized she was right. My nascent interest in being submissive was actually a vehicle on discovering whether I was submissive or dominant. Her points rang so true it was as if she had known me for years.

We talked at length after her proscribed quiet period and our conversations verified in my mind her conclusion. She and I maintained an online relationship for several months after that where in she acted as a mentor for me and she helped me shape my conception of this new found expression of my sexuality. I am forever in her debt for that.

Life is full of challenges and missteps and there are times we are blessed with people that enter our lives momentarily and give us more than we may realize at first. She was one of those people.


  1. thanks for sharing this, I think many of us are or have struggled with these same issues. It is good to hear your journey.

  2. She sounds like a remarkable woman, so generous and careful with you. I would like to take that thought away with me as I intereact with people today.


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